I'd like to take a few moments today to blog about a topic very near to my heart at this period in my life: grief. My father died in January so despite graduating from college and applying to graduate school the primary thing in my life this year has been grief. I've learned that many people, regardless of age, have no idea of how to deal with people who are grieving. I've also learned that when you're grieving it's very easy to see everything in the most negative light possible and to take offense from just about everything.
First, I want to offer some words of advice and love to those who are grieving a loss, particularly this holiday season. You are not alone. I'm facing my first holiday season without my father. I could name (but won't, out of respect for those who might not care to be blogged about) at least 10 other people I know who are also grieving at this very moment. Take comfort in the fact that there are people who understand how you feel and have experienced similar things. It's important to understand that most of the time when people say things that set you off, they aren't trying to upset you or be offensive. It's important to acknowledge that they most likely have no idea or concept of what you're going through, thinking, or feeling, and until they experience a similar loss, they won't. In the spirit of this blog, I suggest that you think a little bit about how you can be kind to yourself. Be open with your friends and family and tell them what you need, what would help you through this. Make a list of things you like to do and do them just for you. Understand that you are not who you used to be, and you will never be that person again. Don't expect to be able to deal with things in the same way and be gentle and kind with yourself.
Second, I'd like to offer some hopefully helpful ideas for those who know someone is grieving. It's so hard to know the right thing to say, the right thing to do. So the first thing I have to tell you is that there is no "right" way to do something. Everyone grieves differently, and you know your loved one better than I do. Think of something they particularly like to do and plan a time to do that with them. If you're shopping for a gift for them this holiday season, think of something that will help them relax and unwind. Plan to spend time with them because it's so easy to feel alone - especially at this time of year.
Your friend, your relative, whoever you know who is grieving, will never be the same person you knew again. Grief is consuming. It crashes over you like a wave, knocking you down and making it impossible to get up. Some days you just drift, unable to think or plan. Your loved one is not going to be able to be there for you. Yes, you have job stresses, family stresses, relationships. Your loved one's lack of interest in these things doesn't mean that one day they won't be able to give back the support that you're giving now, it just means that they can't even process it. So be kind. If you have a friend who recently lost a mother and you are having fights with your mother, it's probably best not to complain about your mom to them. Chances are they would do anything to have a mother to fight with again. Try to be sensitive. Think about the changes going on in your loved one's life, particularly if they lost a member of their nuclear family. If you know a friend is at home alone on a weekend or that they eat practically every meal alone, invite them out. Make time to share a meal.
Listen without judgment. A lot of the time, someone who is grieving will take any kind of criticism badly. A lot of things that our modern society sees as unacceptable manners or immature behavior are perfectly normal parts of grieving. For example, that relative that one normally grits their teeth around...this year, getting up the courage to walk into the same room with them might bring on a hysterical breakdown from someone who can't take a single shred of extra negativity in their life. It's common for grievers to have low self-esteem and to take everything very personally because their defenses are completely down. So as a friend, as a relative, I urge you to listen, really listen to what your loved one has to say. Most of the time (at least in my case) I just need someone to listen to me talk, to understand that I am feeling horrible and to acknowledge that my feelings are genuine and real. Let them talk about their loss if that's helpful to them. You don't even need to offer any advice unless they ask for it. Understand that when you suggest something that might seem perfectly reasonable to you ("Why don't you go back to work and it will take your mind off things?") might not be compatible with their grieving style. Maybe the stress of being at the office is too much for them, or they simply don't have the energy. Grieving is exhausting. It takes at least three times as much effort to do even everyday things in the beginning and it's important to understand that your grieving friend simply cannot handle things like they used to. Outbursts of anger at the loss, at the changes in life, even possibly at you might occur. I know I definitely haven't been the easiest person to deal with this year, and I am so thankful to the friends who saw beyond my anger and seeming immaturity to the true pain underneath and forgave me instantly and without question or condition. Forgiveness may be needed. Try not to blame your friend or hold a grudge because of an outburst. Chances are it's not really about you, it's about the loss. Don't make your friendship another casualty of grief.
The best thing a friend did for me this year was to say "I haven't experienced a similar loss to yours so I have no idea what you're going through, but I'm so sorry you have to deal with this" as he listened to me talk about my feelings and then sat up late with me because I was having a really bad night. Honestly, for me, I don't expect people to understand how I feel. Knowing that someone genuinely cares for me and cares that I feel bad is really what I need. Offering your quiet and supportive presence, your listening, and maybe your shoulder to cry on will be more helpful than any advice you think you have to offer.
Grieving is a lifelong process. Don't expect everything to go back to normal in a few months. You don't "get better." You learn to rebuild your life around the hole in your heart. For the widow who has never lived alone, life is new and scary and lonely. For the child (of any age) who has lost a parent, half of what created their very existence is gone forever. They've lost that source of unconditional love, that cheering section, that knowing that no matter what they did, that person would be there loving them regardless. You grieve not only the loss of the person but of all the moments in the future that you won't be able to share with that person. My college graduation was a happy day, but it was also sad because my father wasn't there in person to see me graduate. I know that it doesn't matter how many years pass before I get married or how adjusted to the loss I am, but I know I'll feel a pang on my wedding day when my dad isn't there to walk me down the aisle. I'm sorry that my kids will never know their grandfather, never play catch with him or laugh at one of his horrible jokes.
Since grieving is a lifelong process, your support is also a lifelong process. Both grieving and support will be more intense during the first year. Make a note of holidays, anniversaries, etc where you know your friend will especially be hurting. Know that even if your friend has been seemingly fine for weeks, a bad day could hit out of nowhere and they'll need you. Even if you're not able to be there in person, cards, notes, anything that you can do to let your grieving friend know that you're there for them, that you're thinking about them, that you love them despite everything will be helpful.
To sum up, the best thing you can do for someone who is grieving is to let them know that they're not alone. Let them know this fairly regularly. Make time for them. Listen to them. You don't have to have experienced loss personally to be able to support someone who has. Especially this holiday season, I urge you to reach out to someone in your life who needs your support and let them know that you care. Be one of the lights in their darkness.
For anyone looking for more resources on grief, here is a good place to start: http://helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm
May God bless you all.
- Claire
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